Sekirei Inn
by shouty mcshouty
Summary: When his parents dumped him at the in famous Sekirei Inn, Minato was prepared for the worst. He wasn't prepared enough.
1. Shameless Reception

Disclaimer: Sekirei doesn't belong to me but to some shady MBI like corporation.

It was about the time he got half way up the unending hill for the second time (a runaway piece of luggage bringing attempt one to a premature finish) that Minato started making a list of all the things he hated.

His mother – for many reasons but primarily for sending him to the most backward out of the way location possible; His father – whose sudden wanderlust had prompted his mother to send him here; Luggage with wheels – If you let go of luggage, it should not be struck with the same need to travel that his father suffered from.

The list was well into the double digits by the time he crested the hill and finally saw his destination.

**Sekirei Inn.**

* * *

The unseen manageress of Sekirei Inn watched her latest ward approach with interest. He was pretty unremarkable to look out and appeared thoroughly worn out just getting here. Even from this distance she could tell his face was an open book - he had the look of someone who was perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop. The girls were going to eat him alive.

"Ku-chan," she called softly, getting the attention of the young child playing happily at her feet. "Go and tell Matsu that the Sahashi boy has arrived. If you want, you can help her show him around."

The young girl, a bright-eyed blonde dressed in a simple white sundress nodded happily before tearing out of the room to find her older _sister_.

Miya smiled to herself. The young man'[s arrival was just the shot in the arm the place had needed. While business had been as good as usual, the staff had lacked for entertainment and was growing bored which was not something you wanted happening in the hospitality business. When Takami had rang looking for a place to dump her son while she chased after her idiot husband, Miya had the self-restraint to make it look like an imposition when in fact she would have paid Takami to send her son here.

She glanced out again to see that Kusano was already running out the front door towards Minato at breakneck speed followed by an equally energetic Matsu, who was either being uncharacteristically enthusiastic or was instead flaunting herself shamelessly before anyone else got a chance to.

"You start earning your crust right now young Sahashi," she muttered to the empty room.

* * *

"And here is the famous Sekirei hot spring – You'll be responsible for making sure this is clean which can be difficult as couple often like to fu-" Matsu cast a sideways glance at Kusano who was hanging off Minato and thought better of what she was going to say, "frolic – is what couples like to do in the hot spring."

Not for the first time on this whirlwind tour, Minato gulped audibly. This was all just too much for him. He could deal with the little kid, Kusano, who had greeted him by kidnapping one of his arms (release negotiations were on-going) but things had gone down hill fast when Matsu had bounced up to him. And bounced was the only word that came to mind.

While she was dressed demurely enough in a long white flowing dress, anytime she moved, stopped, turned, took a breath, pretty much existed in Minato's field of vision – something jiggled. Oftentimes it was more then one thing jiggling. Minato tried to play it safe by concentrating on her face but that really didn't work either as (a) she had a very pretty face (b) whenever he asked her question, she'd make a show about removing her glasses to suck on one of the arms while thinking about the answer. Both his parents wore glasses and he had never seen them do anything so hot with a pair of glasses.

Where the hell had that thought come from? Even when they weren't around his parents were finding ways of destroying his brain. He mentally slapped himself on the back of the head and resumed listening to the hot redhead who was now bending over in front of him testing the temperature of the hot spring…apparently.

In between desperately not looking where she wanted him to look, Matsu gave him what by all accounts was not the brochure guide to the establishment, embellishing it with tales of what guests would get up to when they thought no one was around. More then once he thought about covering Kusano's ears in an effort to save her innocence but she seemed blissfully oblivious to Matsu's erotic ramblings.

"So that's pretty much it," she finished finally. "Any questions?" she asked, hand already straying up to her glasses.

"Ahh no!" Minato answered quickly, not sure how much he could take.

"Hmm, okay then. Why don't we get you to your room before you meet the rest of the crew?" Matsu suggested.

"Sure," Minato agreed immediately, badly needing a respite.

"Anything I should know about the others? Any serial killers or the like?" he joked as the trio made their way into the building proper.

The glasses came off and the sucking commenced.

"Well of the live-in staff Tsukiumi has her moments but once she gets past simply hating you, the worst you can expect is the threat of violence. Musubi is the sweetest person you'll ever meet but also possibly the dumbest. Kazehana is away for a few days which is very lucky for you because she can be pretty brazen."

Minato gulped…again. For Matsu to consider someone brazen was saying an awful lot.

"How about the manager?" he asked, too scared to inquire about anyone other then his mother's friend.

"Oh Miya – Well the main thing you have to know about Miya is that she knows everything so there's no point in trying to–"

"Spreading rumours again Matsu?" the very person in question called from the landing above them.

Matsu audibly squeaked, "No Landlady-san. I was just telling Minato-chan about all of us."

"I'm sure," Miya replied simply.

"You and Ku-chan take Minato's bags to his room while I go over the terns of his tenure," she instructed.

As if by magic, Kusano released his arm and grabbed onto one side of the handle of his mobile luggage while Matsu grasped the other. Minato watched them struggle up the remaining stairs for a moment before the landlady cleared her throat.

"You have your father's features," she observed once the other two were out of sight.

"So I've been told," Minato agreed.

"Let's hope that's all you have of his or your stay here will be a short one," she added cryptically before dismissing Minato's confusion with a wave of a hand.

"Come with me and I'll tell you the real story of Sekirei Inn."

* * *

Next Chapter: Your local friendly psycho and thank heavens - another man!


	2. Trust no one particularly Seo

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this and my other stories. This story is the fun filler piece in the meaty sandwich of the two other more serious pieces. In terms of a release plan, I hope to do one chapter of Inn between every chapter of the other two just to keep the batteries fresh.

Disclaimer: Sekirei doesn't belong to me but to some shady MBI like corporation.

Homura had been standing nonchalantly in the doorway of the Matsu's small administrative office for well over a minute before she managed to tear her eyes away from the spreadsheet she was busily adjusting to acknowledge his existence. She might have just continued working had she known he was going to be wearing that infuriating little smile of his.

"What?" she growled though she had a feeling she knew what was coming.

"So little Kusano tells me you were behaving like quite the little hussy with the new boy," he was practically wagging his finger at her as he casually strolled the rest of the way into the room, all the while making a show of looking at one of the many binders carefully arranged around the room.

Matsu replied with a smirk of her own, "The new boy was lucky Kusano was there or he might have been in real trouble."

"Matsu! It's unlike you to be so forward." Homura commented, genuinely surprised but equally delighted.

"Just putting down a marker," Matsu shrugged, "I figured I better stake a claim before other less upstanding folk make their moves."

"He must be a bit of a looker if you're being this pro-active."

Matsu shrugged again. "He's nice enough I guess – a little skinny but he's got a way about him. I don't know what it is yet but I think I'd like to find out."

"And you think the others will go for him?" Homura asked as he finally found a spot to his liking and made himself comfortable sitting on the edge of her desk.

"Kazehane's a given," Matsu observed as she leaned back on her seat, "If I could make him behave like a shy kid, just imagine what'll happen when she comes back."

"Fair enough. Kazehane likes to play the game even if it's just to keep life interesting. What about Tsukiumi?"

Matsu took off her glasses to clean them while she thought about Tsukiumi.

"She's harder to gauge. I think she'll start off by threatening him while she figures out how she feels and she'll then either ignore his existence completely or be dramatically over defensive of him. No such thing as middle ground for our pond princess."

"Musubi?"

"She'll probably trip over something by accident and send him to marshmallow heaven by landing on him chest first. She won't even realise what she's doing of course – she never does."

"That's a little harsh." Homura observed.

"We're talking about the girl who flashed an entire room of guests when she fell tripped on her own feet because she believed Seo when he told her casual Friday meant she didn't have to wear underwear."

Homura chuckled, "that was funny. The twins gave him such a pounding for that"

"That was nothing - remember how pale he was after he came out of Miya's room…and he'd only been in there for half a minute," Matsu smiled.

They sat in comfortable silence until Homura propelled himself off the table.

"Oh well, it'll be good spectator sport no matter what. I wish you luck fair maiden," he added with a flourish before he left.

"Just have to make sure that luck is not a factor," she muttered as she returned to her numbers.

"Are you sure it's safe to smoke that in here?" Minato asked, torn between being genuinely concerned but also being quite eager to impress the only other male he had met in this madhouse thus far.

"Uh huh," Seo Kaoru shrugged, his boredom evident in his voice. "There's only one cardinal rule in this place and having the occasional cancer stick behind the dryers ain't it."

"Okay," Minato tried to sound reassured even as he fought back a cough from the smoke. The cigarette that Seo had so lovingly crafted himself and which looked on the verge of falling apart at any moment (having already done so twice in the creation phase) was obviously created with the intention of creating the maximum volume of fumes.

"Hee, that cardinal rule really rule took me by surprise," Minato confessed readily, curious to hear the more experienced man's take on it.

"Well Miya's all about propriety and she's clearly not stupid. She knows that you put this many teens together and stuff will happen from time to time. As long as it doesn't happen with any of the clients or in view of the clients everything is cool. Break that rule though and you won't even touch the ground until your ass lands in the town square."

"Really," Minato couldn't believe that the soft spoken manageress was capable of such a thing, "I can't imagine her losing her temper at all."

"Still waters and all that. Back in the day, Matsu says she saw Miya shit-can a member of staff for doing the deed with some client from the city. Said the firing was very immediate, very public and very brutal. I may press her buttons from time to time but I wouldn't ever push Miya over the line because she'll push back and a lot harder too. Miya plays to-"

Seo's little rant was interrupted by the entrance of an attractive girl dressed in a traditional maid's outfit who was occupied wheeling in a pushcart of clothes and hadn't immediately noticed that Seo was not alone.

"Baka, the pond princess needs a fresh uniform. Idiot! I've told you about smoking in here – ah – I didn't realise you had company."

The girl gave Minato an appraising look and he got the immediate impression that she wasn't too impressed. She quickly confirmed his suspicions were not groundless.

"So this is the dweeb that's got Matsu all in a flutter."

Seo quickly stubbed his cigarette and rushed over to embrace the girl who quickly halted him with a considerable punch right in the kidneys.

"Hikari…but why?" he coughed as he doubled over in pain.

"You were warned about PDAs," she admonished him, oblivious or just plain uncaring to his pain.

"But he's staff," Seo pleaded, now on his knees trying to catch his breath.

"If you tried that crap on in front of one of the girls you'd get worse," and she made a fist to emphasise her point.

"Everyone knows about us now."

"The reason everyone knows is because you had to boast to everyone at the staff party about bagging twins."

"Twins?" Minato muttered out loud.

"What?" Hikari snapped, her head whipping around to face him.

Minato knew instantly that he made a mistake and that he should really have left the two alone to sort this obviously very private matter out.

"I didn't realise you had a sister," he squeaked quickly.

"Who is almost as beautiful as Hikari," Seo spluttered as he rose unsteadily from the floor in a feeble attempt to get back in her good books.

"I'll be sure to tell her you said that," Hikari observed, smiling happily as Seo cringed.

"You're so evil," he whispered in appreciation, not missing her appreciative glance at him.

"Ah…uhm…Minato, why don't you take those clothes there on the dryer down to room seventeen, Tsukiumi needs them before she goes on shift," he pointed absently in the dryer's general direction as Hikari suddenly made herself busy putting the clothes in the washer.

"Sure," Minato responded, wanting nothing more than to get out of the room.

He gathered the uniform up carefully, bowed to the two and left all in one smooth motion.

He wasn't gone three seconds when Seo reached over to shut the door before turning to regard his sometimes violent girlfriend.

"You've been very mean to poor Seo and you deserve to be punished," he stated only to receive a pillow in the face.

"You know you really should have warned him to knock," she advised as Seo grasped her playfully around the waist.

"Nah, more fun this way," he responded as he began to plant a series of kisses on her neck.

Room nineteen, room eighteen and finally - room seventeen. Though Minato was slowly getting used to the general layout of the building now, he still wasn't completely sure about what each room's purpose was. For example, he was unaware that room seventeen was the ladies shower and changing room. Had he known he would have simply knocked, shyly announced that there were clean clothes waiting outside the door and then left happy in the knowledge that his task was accomplished.

But sadly for him he didn't know this yet.

He tried to knock but it was too awkward to hold the bundle of clothes he was carrying with just one hand, so instead he pushed in with his back and circled into the room. It took him less than half a second to realise he had made his second mistake in the space of five minute but this one was far, far worse.

Standing opposite him was a long, blonde haired girl who had a large bucket of hot water propped half ways over her head, just on the point of emptying it out over her mane. Minato's shocked brown eyes met surprised blue eyes. On some primal level Minato knew that if he looked anywhere other than her eyes his life was completely forfeit.

In his defence he did try to hold the stare – the mind was willing but the flesh was weak. Nature would not be denied and finally gravity won out. His gaze was pulled down and Minato Sahashi became the first male at Sekirei Inn to take in the sight of Tsukiumi in all her naked glory.

It was then that the screaming started…


	3. Miya As wise as Solomon?

Disclaimer: Sekirei doesn't belong to me but to some shady MBI like corporation.

* * *

"So what happened with the Pond Princess?" Seo asked Minato as he leaned on the mop he had been cleaning the kitchen floor with.

"Nothing…nothing happened." Minato answered immediately and automatically in much the same manner as he cleaned the counter top. No passion, just muscle memory.

"Really? Apparently Kusano saw her running shrieking through the building earlier today- she thought it was a game no one told her about," Seo continued.

"I don't know anything about that," Minato answered tersely.

"Okay, be that way," Seo smirked, firmly getting the impression there was more to this then the newest employee of the Inn was letting on.

Minato simply kept on wiping, desperately trying to not remember the events of a few hours previous.

* * *

_A few hours previous…_

Miya sighed as she surveyed the scene before her. She wondered briefly if her dearly departed husband had had to deal with ridiculous days like these. Probably but he most likely enjoyed thus particular brand of idiocy.

"So does anyone have anything else to add?" she asked the pair seated in front of her, as she tried to get the story of what had happened straight in her head.

Neither of her guests answered. Looking at the pair, Miya considered that they seemed far too wrapped up in their own problems to even notice she had asked them something.

For Tsukiumi, her issue was a simple maths problem involving arithmetic and area. How does one cover an area of X when the covering material is of much smaller dimensions then X? Tsukiumi appeared to be attempting to solve this conundrum by having a cover in motion system wherein the sole small towel she wore would be tugged up to cover her chest before being tugged down when a little too much leg became visible thus revealing pale creamy skin again. B+ for effort anyway.

For Minato, it was physics and what appeared to be a version of Newton's third law, the one that stated that for every action there is a reaction. In Minato's case this meant that seeing any inch of the healthy body that Tsukiumi was trying so desperately to cover would cause his own healthy body to react in a manner that would not be conducive to his health. A+ for finding the wall of her office more interesting than a half naked girl.

She coughed into her hand, immediately getting their attention.

"Anything else?" she asked again.

Both pair responded with a shake of their heads - in Minato's case it was a half shake as he didn't want to take the chance of a full shake bringing Tsukiumi (and any of that creamy skin) into his field of vision.

"So what would you have me do Tsukiumi?" Miya directed the question at the accuser.

"Fire him…and have him arrested," she spluttered in anger.

"Wait a second," Minato began, feeling like he was getting far too raw a deal given that it wasn't really his fault.

"Well that's simply not going to happen, Tsukiumi. We all know this was a simple misunderstanding and he has already apologised. Could we leave it at that," Miya implored though she already suspected she knew the response.

"Apologised, ha! What good is that? I was violated, he violated me with his eyes," Tsukiumi declared.

"I did not - I don't even know how I could…" Minato trailed off.

"I saw how you looked at me" she muttered to his back, indicating to Minato that she was sure his eyes had been a second away from popping out of his skull to molest poor defenceless her while his body stood by helpless…or something to that effect anyway.

Not for the first time in the last five minutes Miya sighed

"I really don't have to time to deal with this," was what she didn't say out loud knowing how that would just set off the combustible blond. If only she could just dismiss them and pretend none of this had happened but reality was a cruel mistress. Well when it came down to it, so was she.

"Fine – here's what's going to happen. Tsukiumi, you and I are going to step outside for a moment. Minato you wait here," she instructed.

"What's going on?" Tsukiumi demanded.

"Quiet," Miya ordered as she practically pushed her charge out the door, closing it firmly behind them.

"Ohhhhhhhh-kay," Minato whistled to the empty room.

"Minato," Miya called from behind door.

"Yes, Landlady," he answered.

"Strip, now" she ordered with no preamble at all.

"What?" Tsukiumi and Minato cried simultaneously.

"I'm going to return things to a state of balance. You saw her naked, now she'll see you naked. You'll both be so embarrassed that you'll never mention it again and hence order is restored. Perfect," Miya was genuinely pleased with her plan.

"Wait a second-" Minato protested.

"Strip!" She barked, "I would hate to have to tell your mother that you were some sort of deviant peeping tom," her sweet tone returning as quickly as it had gone.

Minato sat for a moment considering his options. There were a million arguments he could readily think of for keeping his dignity and just walking out of the office to face whatever consequences that action would incur. On the other hand the consequences would be that his mother would kill him…dead…then his sister would raise him from the dead to kill him again. The women in his family were like that. So the question quickly became which was preferable - death by her mother's hand or death by embarrassment?

"Fine," he coughed and started to take off his clothes, throwing them in a pile with as much force as he could muster – figuring anger was a better emotion right now that the fear he actually felt.

A few moments later, standing there naked, he started considering about how he should best stand - or maybe sit - to minimise the damage when the door was flung open and Tsukiumi was literally thrown in – minus her towel – and the door was shut again.

The two teens stared at each other wide eyed in shock (look at the eyes, damn it! focus on the eyes! And don't get excited –oh for the love of all that's holy keep the blood flowing to the brain!) as Miya's voice wafted through the office, "Right, now take a good look at each other, don't be shy – you're both perfectly healthy."

Neither moved a muscle, their eyes completely locked in fear on each other.

"Don't look first," Minato's brain commanded loudly, "let her make – oh my god, she glanced! She totally glanced!"

She hadn't meant to, she really hadn't but much like Minato in the bath earlier, gravity and a certain curiosity (that she absolutely did not possess, nope – not a chance) would not be denied. Her face immediately went the brightest red that Minato had ever seen.

Having been caught checking him out, she yanked the door open, grabbed the robe that Miya was proffering fourth and ran screaming down the corridor and out of sight. Miya, being too much of a lady to even glance, closed the door and instructed Minato to get dressed.

"That went well I think," she said happily to herself.

_Now…_

"No, nothing happened at all," Minato reiterated.

Seo resumed his mopping and they worked in silence for a period until Minato spoke again.

"Hey Seo, how come you call Tsukiumi the Pond Princess?" he asked in spite of himself.

Seo pulled up on the mop again, always preferring to talk then do any actual work.

"Well you see back long before she came here, she was like this swimming prodigy; medals, trophies, national records the whole lot. Matsu looked it up online and it turns out that the way she was progressing, Tsukiumi could easily have gone to the Olympics and won big. She had all kinds of cute nicknames like the Tsukiumi the Torpedo but the one we liked was the Princess of the Pool. But then the bubble burst, I guess."

"What happened?" Minato assumed she must have had an accident though she had looked perfectly healthy to him. _Perfectly_ healthy.

"Puberty" Seo grinned with an exaggerated shake of his eyebrows.

"Puberty?" Minato repeated in disbelief.

"Uh huh. There's a picture of her in a profile Matsu pulled up from before nature took hold and she's just this complete beanpole – literally a human torpedo. And well…you've seen her now," Seo made the universal gesture for huge breasts. "No matter how hard she tried she couldn't go as fast with those twin airbags holding her back if you know what I'm saying."

"Dead people know what you mean," Minato said, actually feeling a little sorry for the proud girl.

"So she isn't the Princess of the Pool anymore, she's now the princess of the pond here in Sekirei Inn," Seo finished explaining.

"Seems a little harsh," Minato offered.

"Probably… but that competitive nature she has makes her unholy mess to deal with most of the time. It's not a bad nickname when you consider some of the things she could have been called."

"I suppose."

"Don't worry about her. She generally keeps to herself so as long as you don't do anything to upset her she shouldn't really bother you."

"Might be a little late for that," Minato replied under his breath.

His words proved prophetic as the door to the kitchen was flung open and (a fully dressed) Tsukiumi stepped through. She pointed directly at Minato.

"Kaoru – out! Me and the new guy have matters to discuss!"

* * *

Next Chapter: Masubi Strikes


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